Sunday, July 1, 2012

Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

     Recently while watching an episode of Seinfeld, I heard this quote by George: "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?" I couldn't help but think of my husband, David. He has had some crazy inventions or ways of solving problems. Usually the solving just creates more problems. For example:

     One Sunday morning many years ago my husband asked me to get his blue dress shirt for him to wear to church. I looked in the closet. Nope. I looked in the clothes hamped. Nope. I checked the clothes that needed mending. Nope. I looked in the washer, the drier, the dresser, Nope, nope, nope. After looking everwhere I could think of, I told him I couldn't find it. He said, "Did you look in the filing cabinet under "S" ? This has to be the weirdest thing he has ever said to me. But, sure enough there it was. WHO files their shirt? I have never figured out that one.

     When we moved to the farm I wanted to have a clothes line. I had a drier, but you know how nice it is to get in a bed with freshly cleaned sheets that have hung out on the line. And David decided he was going to wear overalls all the time. They take forever to get dry in a drier. I aksed him one day to put up a clothes line for me. He thought for a minute and said, "Barbed wire would make a good clothes line. You won't need to use clothes pins." ARE YOU KIDDING? He was serious. I informed him that his clothes would have rusty holes in them if he used barbed wire. Some of his ideas make me chuckle; he has to be kidding, right?

     When David and I started dating, he had in his apartment a globe on a tall stick/post type stand. He read everything in sight and always wanted to know where the places were that he was reading about. This globe was so top heavy, it was always falling over. When we got married and bought our first house, he cut the stand in half and screwed it to the ceiling of our den. I came home from work that day and there it was, hanging like it was in outter space.

     When we moved to our next house, the globe came with us. If I remember correctly, it stayed in the closet of our office bedroom. Maybe he couldn't figure out where he could hang it in a rented house.

     When we moved to the farm, it followed us once again all the way to Missouri. This time any remnant of the stand was gone. It was now screwed to the handle of David's filing cabinet, where it remains to this day. The ever evolving revolving planet Earth.

From David's apartment to 214th Str, to Ladeene Avenue, to MO farmhouse.

     One time David had a broken bone in his foot and was put in one of those air filled walking boots. We were no longer milking cows, but we did have beef cattle and a few pigs and there were still plenty of chores. He HAD to be up and around. He thought if he could invent a crutch that could be strapped to his leg with a seat on the top, he could keep his weight off his foot and still get around to do outside chores. So he cut a crutch in half and screwed on some straps which could be buckled around his leg. We still had Emily's old pink bike in the workshop. David removed the pink banana seat and attached it to the top of the crutch. The Butt Crutch was born!

The maiden voyage

So far, so good.

Okay, that's gotta hurt!

     We had a lot of apples one fall. We don't spray our trees so the bugs really get to the fruit and most of the apples aren't fit to eat in hand. David hated the thought of wasting all those apples and tried to figure out a way to make a cider press. He took 2 five gallon buckets, one with holes drilled in it, and one without the holes. He thought and thought about what he could use to create pressure to crush the apples. "Ah Ha! The tire jack used on the tractor. A piece of chain and a block of wood and ... What else can I use to wedge the jack in to crank up the pressure? I know! The door jam between the kitchen and the dining room!" He was so pleased with himself. I was NOT happy!!! Especially one day when I came home and noticed a crack from the corner of the doorway to the ceiling. THAT made steam blast out of my ears. WHAT???? Maggie happened to be in the room and noticed the horror on my face. She said, "Yeah, I know. Dad said not to tell you." He told her the width of the crack told him when he had enough pressure. I've tried to find a picture of the "cider press" in action, but I can't find any. I can't believe I let this go by without taking any pictures. If they turn up I'll post some.

As you can see the crack is still there.
     Emily said she would help me take off the wallpaper and paint the kitchen this summer. I suppose I ought to finally repair it. It's almost a shame. I think it would be a good reminder to keep him from "inventing."

     Last summer there was the mulching of the garden experiment. You'll never guess, so I'll tell you: Mulching with carpet. Yes, carpet. Pulled out of a duplex and a church.  Synthetic carpet used as mulch. We're talking about a lot of carpet. We carpeted about 2/3 of our garden, which is about 15 fifty foot rows. Not a good plan as it turned out. We got a dozen tomatoes the whole summer. Maggie has blogged about it here and here. It's just too much for me to relive. It will be a booger to remove. Then what do you do with it? I'm sure when that happens it will be on the 6 o'clock news. Stay tuned.

This doesn't seem so bad, but carpet doesn't make
a good mulch. It became a solid mass of overgrown
mess, not to mention a haven for snake breeding, I'm sure.

     I predict more dementia, uh, inventions in the future, but these have been some of the biggies in our 32 1/2 years together. Not always fun, but never dull. I'm sure there will be a sequal.


  1. I'm so glad you found the photos of the butt crutch! Maybe the photos of Roswell will turn up too.

  2. Oh, hadn't thought about blogging the Rosewell "incident". I DO have those photos, saw them somewhere the other day. What's missing are the photos of the Very Large Array and driving back with Sister Pia.